The Devil

Focus on Unconscious Addiction

The Devil: No matter how good I think I am-Still, life is occasionally ugly. Where do I fit in this picture? Chained to old habits? Serving old lusts? On the pedestal looking down on others? Truth is revealed in the consequences... If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got. Dive into the belly of the beast.

I lay in the bed and I listened. I listened to the car pull into the driveway. I listened to the door open. I heard the case of beer land on the table. I listened to the snap of the first can being opened. I listened to my hearts’ pounding. Hours later I heard him coming down the hall. His feet seemed to slur just as I knew his speech would. He bumped against the confinement of the walls. I pretended to be asleep….. The Devil card is hard to face. I spent twenty years living with a habit. The harsh reality is that looking down on another was my side of that coin. Ouch. My abusive pattern was so much subtler and more insidious than his overt drunkenness. My addiction was the pedestal, the “better than thou”. Without badness to lean on goodness falls flat on its face. My relationship with my understanding of “godliness” was built on the expense account of my husbands’ shortcomings. With him around I could always be better than someone else. I’ve had many chains to bind me in this life. I seem to revisit this card on a regular basis. I think about that Devil every New Year as I prepare my resolutions. What is confining me now? What is betraying my trust? What is excessive and needing some controls? I flex myself against his image. Whom am I exerting control over? Who am I feeling better than today? Am I the Devil in this dance or am I the Puppet at his feet? It changes-back and forth- to and fro. Sometimes I lead. Sometimes I follow. Sometimes we swoop and twirl. Sometimes we wallow. Sometimes I take off the chains and step away. Sometimes I don’t. The Devil forces me to look again, to question myself and my motives. He doesn’t ask why, He asks “Why not?”